His Plan

Today marks one year after finding out we had lost another baby to our Lords arms. Today brings back emotions of fear, depression, anger and many that I did not understand and still do not till this day. It was a day of anticipation, waiting to see what the screen would reveal, instead it showed us what I feared and pushed me into a period of time that I never want to experience again. This loss had been different than the first, we were supposed to be in the "clear", at a time of sharing our glorious news with those we love. Instead it was retracting our news, saying goodbye to what we wanted to hold and love. The past year has brought about more trips to the Dr. than I would ever like to recount, blood draws that happen every 6weeks to this day. And an unknown future of bringing another life into the world or understanding that we were given a miracle when Bel was born.

No matter how angry I have been or how understanding I can be, there is nothing that takes away that spot in your family where the children you have lost should have been. You move on, but dates like today are ones that remind me to trust in God's plan, whatever it might be. As I look out the window today I marvel at the snow, a creation of purity, white and beautiful. I know that life is unpredictable and glorious, that His plan for our family whatever it may be is like the snow, pure and beautiful.

Chilly Daybook

Outside my Window: The wind is blowing so much that the political signs are horizontal and the trees that were trying to hold their leaves are running an up hill race! The rain however is not snow, so for now it is just fine!

I am thinking: "Be patient and leave it in the hands of God... In every event the best we can do is leave ourselves in the hands of God." -St Teresa of Avila - This quote is embodies what I struggle with most in that my life is not only controlled by my own decisions but that if I hand the hard things over that it is what is meant to be.

I am thankful for: A wonderful weekend with family. We were able to spend MEA break with DH's family in IL and it was a relaxing weekend of eating, talking and prayer. I have said it before and I will say it again, marrying my husband has given me an amazing family lots of aunties, uncles and cousins... not second or third cousins and not great uncles and aunts, but amazing family.

I am reading: Small Steps for Catholic Moms By Danielle Bean & Elizabeth Foss

I am hoping: That the weather takes a better turn this weekend so that Trick or Treating is not too cold and wet!

On my mind: Part of DH's grad program is too look at self but also relationships, one thing that was asked of him is what do you and your wife do together... well, besides living our daily life. So we have be thinking about what can we do just for us.

We're learning: A new balance in life with DH's grad school. With mine it was all work oriented using lesson plans and creating new one's. So his homework is done at home and we are leaning new balance.

Noticing that: Bel is beginning to control her tantrums a little better, so thankful because she has this only child thing figured out and it worries me as to what will come in 13 years :-)

A few plans for the week: Well we are almost at the halfway mark, but work, daycare, swim lessons and dinner at my parents (spaghetti...my dad's... my favorite) with the girls in their costumes on Saturday!

From the kitchen: Tonight it will be homemade fettuccine sauce, pasta and chicken!

Around the house: Halloween decorations, Bel and DH dug them out a couple of weekends ago and they are the current decor in our home.

One of my favorite things: Being able to use the fireplace again, though winter is not yet here it is knocking at the door and with it comes many of my favorite things!

A picture to share: Many from our trip to see family.

A story

I sometimes struggle with what is too much to write and what is not enough. To most people I am an outwardly open person with just about everything in my life. However I am finding that as time goes on, and I get older that maybe some things about me are only open in my head. I love to talk with people and hear their stories, I love to people watch and make up my own stories for them, but when it comes to me well what is my story these days.

Our family story changes day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year. Despite changes it is also amazing to see the steadiness of what is our life. We have taken some trips this year, some for fun,some to celebrate, and others to say goodbye. We are continuing education, DH in his MBA program, my self as a teacher, and Bel at church. We have made a large leap of faith and have found a new parish up in the northern burbs and look forward to being a part of this new community. Spending time with friends and family are always a priority, but also making sure we have down time for just us.

DH is now fully in his classes for his MBA, working hard at his class work and as always working hard to be an amazing provider for our family, an over the top amazing daddy and the most amazing husband I could have ever been blessed with. I am so proud of him in everything he does but I do not tell him often enough. He is seeing a new side to balancing life, but if anyone is able to do this well, it is him.

Miss Bel is as always keeping us on our toes. She is a very grown up 3 year old! She loves to play, is very intrigued by movies and is a social butterfly (of course I have no idea where she gets that). She amazes us with each day and all the new things she learns and shares with us and others around her. Her swimming lessons are both a source of entertainment and hard work, she is having a blast in her new class especially because she is the only girl. She is starting Faith Formation at our new parish this weekend and is very excited! Bel is our everything and we are so grateful for her!

Me, well I am here. Work has been an adjustment this year with lots of new things going on in our building and district. New challenges and old, but the people are what makes it amazing. I love my students and colleagues, and well, the combination always makes it worth coming back for more! Being done with my own masters and supporting DH in his has given me new time with Bel, some of it a struggle with listening, but all of it amazing. I am finally "evened" out on all my hormonal levels (TMI, Sorry) but still struggling with what the future holds for our family. Being patient with Dr.'s and praying that we can expand our family. Life is always complicated in some ways and simple in others. I am using a new book for daily reflection called Small Steps for Catholic Moms: Think. Pray. Act. Every Day. By Danielle Bean & Elizabeth Foss. I love this book and have found that the simplest of acts can bring my head and heart right where they belong.