His Plan

Today marks one year after finding out we had lost another baby to our Lords arms. Today brings back emotions of fear, depression, anger and many that I did not understand and still do not till this day. It was a day of anticipation, waiting to see what the screen would reveal, instead it showed us what I feared and pushed me into a period of time that I never want to experience again. This loss had been different than the first, we were supposed to be in the "clear", at a time of sharing our glorious news with those we love. Instead it was retracting our news, saying goodbye to what we wanted to hold and love. The past year has brought about more trips to the Dr. than I would ever like to recount, blood draws that happen every 6weeks to this day. And an unknown future of bringing another life into the world or understanding that we were given a miracle when Bel was born.

No matter how angry I have been or how understanding I can be, there is nothing that takes away that spot in your family where the children you have lost should have been. You move on, but dates like today are ones that remind me to trust in God's plan, whatever it might be. As I look out the window today I marvel at the snow, a creation of purity, white and beautiful. I know that life is unpredictable and glorious, that His plan for our family whatever it may be is like the snow, pure and beautiful.