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His Plan

Today marks one year after finding out we had lost another baby to our Lords arms. Today brings back emotions of fear, depression, anger and many that I did not understand and still do not till this day. It was a day of anticipation, waiting to see what the screen would reveal, instead it showed us what I feared and pushed me into a period of time that I never want to experience again. This loss had been different than the first, we were supposed to be in the "clear", at a time of sharing our glorious news with those we love. Instead it was retracting our news, saying goodbye to what we wanted to hold and love. The past year has brought about more trips to the Dr. than I would ever like to recount, blood draws that happen every 6weeks to this day. And an unknown future of bringing another life into the world or understanding that we were given a miracle when Bel was born.

No matter how angry I have been or how understanding I can be, there is nothing that takes away that spot in your family where the children you have lost should have been. You move on, but dates like today are ones that remind me to trust in God's plan, whatever it might be. As I look out the window today I marvel at the snow, a creation of purity, white and beautiful. I know that life is unpredictable and glorious, that His plan for our family whatever it may be is like the snow, pure and beautiful.

Chilly Daybook

Outside my Window: The wind is blowing so much that the political signs are horizontal and the trees that were trying to hold their leaves are running an up hill race! The rain however is not snow, so for now it is just fine!

I am thinking: "Be patient and leave it in the hands of God... In every event the best we can do is leave ourselves in the hands of God." -St Teresa of Avila - This quote is embodies what I struggle with most in that my life is not only controlled by my own decisions but that if I hand the hard things over that it is what is meant to be.

I am thankful for: A wonderful weekend with family. We were able to spend MEA break with DH's family in IL and it was a relaxing weekend of eating, talking and prayer. I have said it before and I will say it again, marrying my husband has given me an amazing family lots of aunties, uncles and cousins... not second or third cousins and not great uncles and aunts, but amazing family.

I am reading: Small Steps for Catholic Moms By Danielle Bean & Elizabeth Foss

I am hoping: That the weather takes a better turn this weekend so that Trick or Treating is not too cold and wet!

On my mind: Part of DH's grad program is too look at self but also relationships, one thing that was asked of him is what do you and your wife do together... well, besides living our daily life. So we have be thinking about what can we do just for us.

We're learning: A new balance in life with DH's grad school. With mine it was all work oriented using lesson plans and creating new one's. So his homework is done at home and we are leaning new balance.

Noticing that: Bel is beginning to control her tantrums a little better, so thankful because she has this only child thing figured out and it worries me as to what will come in 13 years :-)

A few plans for the week: Well we are almost at the halfway mark, but work, daycare, swim lessons and dinner at my parents (spaghetti...my dad's... my favorite) with the girls in their costumes on Saturday!

From the kitchen: Tonight it will be homemade fettuccine sauce, pasta and chicken!

Around the house: Halloween decorations, Bel and DH dug them out a couple of weekends ago and they are the current decor in our home.

One of my favorite things: Being able to use the fireplace again, though winter is not yet here it is knocking at the door and with it comes many of my favorite things!

A picture to share: Many from our trip to see family.

A story

I sometimes struggle with what is too much to write and what is not enough. To most people I am an outwardly open person with just about everything in my life. However I am finding that as time goes on, and I get older that maybe some things about me are only open in my head. I love to talk with people and hear their stories, I love to people watch and make up my own stories for them, but when it comes to me well what is my story these days.

Our family story changes day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year. Despite changes it is also amazing to see the steadiness of what is our life. We have taken some trips this year, some for fun,some to celebrate, and others to say goodbye. We are continuing education, DH in his MBA program, my self as a teacher, and Bel at church. We have made a large leap of faith and have found a new parish up in the northern burbs and look forward to being a part of this new community. Spending time with friends and family are always a priority, but also making sure we have down time for just us.

DH is now fully in his classes for his MBA, working hard at his class work and as always working hard to be an amazing provider for our family, an over the top amazing daddy and the most amazing husband I could have ever been blessed with. I am so proud of him in everything he does but I do not tell him often enough. He is seeing a new side to balancing life, but if anyone is able to do this well, it is him.

Miss Bel is as always keeping us on our toes. She is a very grown up 3 year old! She loves to play, is very intrigued by movies and is a social butterfly (of course I have no idea where she gets that). She amazes us with each day and all the new things she learns and shares with us and others around her. Her swimming lessons are both a source of entertainment and hard work, she is having a blast in her new class especially because she is the only girl. She is starting Faith Formation at our new parish this weekend and is very excited! Bel is our everything and we are so grateful for her!

Me, well I am here. Work has been an adjustment this year with lots of new things going on in our building and district. New challenges and old, but the people are what makes it amazing. I love my students and colleagues, and well, the combination always makes it worth coming back for more! Being done with my own masters and supporting DH in his has given me new time with Bel, some of it a struggle with listening, but all of it amazing. I am finally "evened" out on all my hormonal levels (TMI, Sorry) but still struggling with what the future holds for our family. Being patient with Dr.'s and praying that we can expand our family. Life is always complicated in some ways and simple in others. I am using a new book for daily reflection called Small Steps for Catholic Moms: Think. Pray. Act. Every Day. By Danielle Bean & Elizabeth Foss. I love this book and have found that the simplest of acts can bring my head and heart right where they belong.

North Shore

This past weekend we ventured back to the North Shore. We have not been up since before Bel was born, and now that she is old enough to climb and hike on her own we thought it would be a wonderful getaway. We were fortunate to stay and Larry & Lisa's Log Home Retreat for the weekend and loved every minute of it. It was perfect fall weather for the perfect fall weekend!

A Meaningful Life

Have you ever read the book Tuesday's With Morrie? I love this book and many others written by author Mitch Albom, the book is about a second chance for Mitch and one of his college professors who was dieing of ALS or Lou Gherig's disease. Within the chapters of this book Morrie and Mitch walk through life, the ups, the downs and everything in between. Our family has gone through many of the typical ups and downs of life, and some that are not typical.

I believe that in everyone's life at somepoint you go through all the things that you think will make you happy...items you want, the ideal job to hold, the perfect house, what your wedding will look like, the 2.5 kids that society says is appropriate and a dog. I was no exception to these thoughts once upon a time. I was blessed to find the love of my life while in my teens, actually meeting DH when we were 13, we graduated from college, bought our first house, had great jobs and our dog. We decided far before we were married that we wanted God to be a constant in our relationship, we valued each others hard work. DH and I have had to say goodbye to babies before we met them but have also been blessed with our beautiful 3 year old Bel, there is nothing more meaningful to us than being married and having our daughter. We like many others have questioned our faith at times but with the strength of our family and friends our meaningful life continues to move forward.

In the past week we have been blessed by an addition to our extended family - our dear friends Justin and Erin have welcomed a beautiful little girl Mareena Grace into this world and her arrival has been nothing short of amazing. We are so blessed to have this family in our lives and consider them our family not just friends. Watching her in her parents arms and being able to celebrate with them in their joy has been a true gift. We have enjoyed our own snuggles with the baby and I happen to love kissing her soft chubby cheeks. DH gloats because he beat me to holding her before me each time with have been with them, but it is just an example of how much we love this little person. Our Bel has fallen in love with Mareena, she is so excited to hold her, touch her soft hair, kiss her and talks all about the things she looks forward to teaching her. A celebration of life and the true existence of God does not get any better than this!

Looking to the opposite spectrum of life we are grieving the loss of someone who we truly enjoyed getting to know. DH's cousin Jen died yesterday from complications of Cystic Fibrosis, a disease that takes loved ones too early, Jen was 31, and yet we can't help but be in awe of the life she lived. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and I have been so fortunate to marry in to a family that has many aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have enjoyed trips to visit family, look forward to their visits and love that this family has always excepted me as one of their own. Growing up in a very small family that has since gone in different directions seems to give me a different view as to how valuable those you consider family to be. I have enjoyed getting to know all the cousins through family gatherings, emails and Facebook, and Jen was no exception. We would chat online and email about our children and just life in general and when we would be at the same family gathering talking and watching our girls together was always a highlight. I will miss her smile which was ever present, her laugh at the little things and the times when her hands were full of all of her twin girls gear that I was able to help. Jen would be my definition of strength and bravery. I never heard her complain, never saw her in a bad mood, but always taking in life, and showing the grace of God. Jen was so full of courage as she decided that it was time to move beyond the suffering and onto a life of breathing easily and looking down from above on those she cared for. She will be missed, but will continue to live through her children and will be remembered by all who met her.

These two recent family events one on each side of God's creation really make me stand back to look at what is a meaningful life.
My husband and I clung to each other at the end of our work day yesterday, with the news of Jen's death we are praying for her husband Dan to have strength to get through the difficult times especially when he is faced with raising his girls, thinking of her girls and praying that everyone around them will be able to share with them about Jennifer and what an amazing woman she was. I can stand back and thank God for every day I have with my family, even falling asleep with Bel last night just to be close to her.
To celebrate the birth of Mareena and know how much she is loved by so many. To be fortunate enough to have a relationship with her parents that will allow us to watch her grow and become an amazing person brings joy to our family A child is always a gift and being able to support a child as they grow and to walk with their parents through the process is a wonderful gift of friendship and love.

A meaningful life for us is simply stated as family and friends... there is nothing more important and the rest is just icing on the cake.

End of Summer

It has come to the time of year that every teacher feels both excitement and sadness... Workshop week. The excitement of the new school year brings me back to my own years as a student. I love going back to see my colleges whom I have only seen a handful of all summer, I get excited to run my copies, get books out and have my room ready to go. Sadness also looms overhead as I realize that my time at home with Bel has come to an end for the summer, though this year she is so excited to return to Mary's that she cannot contain herself! So it is bittersweet that we get ready for a new school year.

She's 3!!!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Baby! Today she is 3... then it will be 4 and then 5. At least thats what she tells everyone who asks her how old she is! She is ready to grow up, for me on the other hand I am not ready! She is potty training, sleeping in a big girl bed, rides a bike, plays with friends and loves to act older than she is! Our little girl is growing fast, but we are enjoying every minute of it!

Summer in Slides

It has been a long time since I last posted anything about our little family! Since we returned from Florida we have been busy doing summer things! Having lunch, coffee, playdates of all sorts keeps Bel and I busy when the husband is hard at work. When he gets home it is always nice to have a nice dinner and lots of family time outside! He has also been very busy outside of work with continuing education classes as well as starting his MBA through Bethel University. We are very proud of all he is doing to advance his education, this is an amazing thing for our family as education couldn't be more important to us! So the rest is just pictures!

M-I-C-K-E-Y---- M-O-U-S-E

Everyone who knows Bel knows how much she loves Mickey! So to kick off our summer vacation (YES SCHOOLS OUT!) the Husband, Bel, myself, Uncle Doug, Auntie Stacey, Grandpa George and Grandma Sandie headed to Orlando. So far its been an amazing trip, record setting heat, and tons of fun! I am missing pictures from our day at Hollywood Studios, but will get them from Sandie's camera soon and add them to the mix. Still more time left here at "Mickey's house" so more pictures will come from the rest of our trip too! Enjoy!

Memorial Weekend

CABIN... Enough Said!

Graduation & Greatfulness Daybook

Outside my window … Rain an gloom, but this weekend looks much better!

I am thinking … I can't believe that I am done with my Master's program, graduation and all! Holy crazy!

I am thankful for … my friends, especially Sandra, a friend that came into my life by pure luck, but God knew what he was doing when he brought the Dunigan's into our lives!

I am reading … The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, a new book for one of my classes and I am really enjoying the practical outlook it has.

I am hoping … that conferences will go quickly this week :-)

On my mind … lots of crazy little things, but mostly about our upcoming trip to as Bel says... Mickey's House.

We’re learning … to take deep breaths, or maybe that's just me.

Noticing that … Bel loves to garden, she and the Husband planted her veggie garden last Sunday morning, she also has purple cone flowers growing and a Veggie Tales greenhouse of snap dragons (Which happen to be my favorite summer garden flower.) They remind me of my grandfather, and how much I miss him every day, wishing he could have met my baby.

Pondering these words … give her pills... really because the poor dog does not want anyone near her mouth, so how are we supposed to do that

A few plans for the week … Conferences and taking care of Karamia.

From the kitchen … Its a take out kind of a week!

Around the house … lots of cards, mothers day and graduation.

One of my favorite things … watching my little girl sleeping, so peaceful, so beautiful.
A Picture or more that I am sharing...

Busy Little Bee

We have been very busy lately and it amazes me that we remember to have a camera with at all times. Though not much is new, pictures are always fun to share.

Outside Daybook

Outside my window … Its sunny and warm, I can't wait to get home to play outside with Bel.

I am thinking … how long this week has felt, we are busy these days with swimming, husbands class, golf and my finishing of Grad school. We also have been to see husbands family in IL twice in the last two and a half weeks!

I am thankful for … time, you can take this however you want, but I often feel that time is a gift in so many aspects of life. Time with family, time to relax, time to be busy, time to find a "fix" for fertility problems, time to be outside, time to just be.

I am reading … Nothing... I finally finished the Late Homecomer (which was amazing by the way!)

I am hoping … that I can plant flowers soon. I love how our home looks with flowers outside.

On my mind … planing our grad party, I say ours because Stacey (sister in law) is graduating from her grad program the same day I do and we are hoping to have our families all together at our home on Mother's Day to celebrate.

We’re learning … that it is true what we have heard. The closer Bel gets to 3 the worse the tantrums are getting, more specifically in the mornings.

Noticing that … we are an outside family. Not the camping type (that will NEVER be me) but we love to be outside! On bikes, caring for our yard, swing set playing and yard games.

Pondering these words … mom this juice feels bad on my tongue.

A few plans for the week … Since the week is actually coming to an end, we have done a lot! However we are still looking forward to many things! Husband starts his golf league with the neighbor guys, neighborhood bonfire to celebrate the hard work of our neighbors, their family the former owners of our home for The Pageant of Hope, my final class and Church!

From the kitchen … PB & J, husband has golf tonight... we all know he did not marry me for my cooking! :-)

Around the house … Sleeping with open windows, clean floors, laundry going, Karamia hunting bunnies, Bel getting into everything, and much more that I can't think of.

One of my favorite things … Painting my toenails, its something little, but it always makes me feel better.

Fun Pictures

Some spring & Easter shots!

It's Spring - Daybook

In reading one of my favorite blogs, Danielle Bean, I have come to love a little thing called Daybook. This is supposed to be a weekly reflection on life and a way to get going for the week.

Outside my window … The day looks beautiful, but being Monday I am in my classroom that actually has NO windows. Some day I may ask for a skylight, but I am pretty sure that day will never come.

I am thinking … about how good it feels to almost be done with Grad school. In a month I will be done and then it will just be waiting for graduation. So exciting!

I am thankful for … my friends! My SAGA group (subject alike, grade alike) that I work with every weekend of class are an amazing group of people. They have pushed me and I them and in turn we have become great friends and are looking forward to pushing each other through the rest of the credits to be MA+60 at some point in the next 2-3 years.

I am reading … about the healthcare reform bill... this is something that matches great government bills and laws of the past however on a personal note there are parts that make me nervous!

I am hoping … to find the tricycle for Bel! She loves being outside and playing, but needs a bike to fit her! She test rode a couple this weekend and we are hoping to find one that's just right for her!

On my mind … Swim lessons tonight!

We’re learning … or relearning about our faith. The husband has taken on the reading and we are talking almost nightly about things we have forgotten and those we are learning for the first time. Its been a nice thing to share and has given him ideas of books for Bel.

Noticing that … the school year is quickly coming to an end and my seniors have the itch... each year I swear the senior slide hits earlier and earlier!

Pondering these words … Mrs. S will you do my work for me? Really people... really!

A few plans for the week … work, swimming, and I hope lots of outside time!

From the kitchen … whatever the husband cooks.

Around the house … spring! Humidifiers are put away, doors are opened and sun is streaming in!

One of my favorite things … watching the husband and child play in the backyard.

My First Daybook...

In reading one of my favorite blogs, Danielle Bean, I have come to love a little thing called Daybook. This is supposed to be a weekly reflection on life and a way to get going for the week. So here goes nothing!

Outside my window … The snow is finally melting away, I love when the snow is clean and white but there comes a point in our frozen winters that the sand and salt have changed it to a very dirty snow, one that I have to remind Bel not to eat.

I am thinking … about how quickly time goes by. With seasons about to change it amazes me that the world goes by so fast and I have to be so careful not miss a thing.

I am thankful for … my amazing husband and my beautiful little girl, I have been blessed!

I am reading … The Late Homecoming, which is taking me forever as I am trying to fit it in during the rest of my life.

I am hoping … to finish the rest of the items needed for my masters presentation. Once I feel like its done there is always something to change.

On my mind … bedtime.

We’re learning … that teaching your child about God and his love is key to the words I am pondering.

Noticing that … since our last dr. appointment I am feeling better about not being able to sustain a pregnancy. Our dr. has given me more hope that with the right meds things may work out the way we want, its all in God's plan.

Pondering these words … a guest priest shared a couple of weeks ago. We may know God in our heads, but how well do you know him in your deepest being?

A few plans for the week … work, swimming lessons, Diana's show, Grayson's birthday party and Church.

From the kitchen … We had leftovers, the best kind, Buca!

Around the house … everything is clean, except the kitchen floor... no good!

One of my favorite things … is reading to Bel our three favorite books: Guess How Much I Love you, God Gave Us You, and How Big is God.
A picture I am sharing … many... too many not to share!

January

The end of January is upon us and we have a 2 1/2 year old who is keeping us busy. This past month has been lots of fun while spending time with friends and family. We celebrated Ella and Laurens birthdays and the girls had a blast as always playing together. We have also started swim lessons where Bel and I are in the water together in a small group as she learns to go under and do many other fun things in the water. DH has made it through another busy season and I am looking forward to another semester and finishing my masters in four months! Our sister in law Stacey is also finishing up this spring as well, we even graduate on the same day! Last but really fun is that we have many close friends that are joining us in the ranks of parenthood this coming summer and early fall. Words cannot express our joy for them and how excited we are to have more friends with little ones, there is even a picture of Bel with her Aunie Erin and I am pretty sure she is pointing to the baby in the picture :-)

What a year!

Today marks one year since Bel had her first "episode." For those of you that don't know or do not remember last year on MLK Jr. Day I was home with our princess for a day off when one of the most unforgettable days in my life happened. I can tell you every part of that day from beginning to end because it all happened in slow motion.The day was starting later than normal which I didn't think anything of because she had spent the weekend playing with her cousins. An 8am wake up was kind of nice, or so I thought. After I got her out of bed she didn't want to eat right away so I didn't think twice about snuggling on the couch to read a book. That should have been my first hint as our then 18 month old little girl was always on the move, but I had been in school all weekend and just took it all in. About ten pages into our book Bel fell asleep on me so I laid her back down in bed and showered. When I was done she wanted out of bed, perfect timing. I brought her in to be changed and to get her dressed and that's when the "episode" began or actually that I finally knew something was wrong. Her eyes rolled back and she wouldn't respond to me.
Panic had set in and I called DH at work and then 911. The first responders were amazing, one happened to be a dad of a student and swimmer of mine and it was by the grace of God that I had someone there with me that I knew. We were brought by ambulance to the hospital, and bringing your unresponsive child to the hospital is a horrible experience,one that I hope none of my friends or family ever have to go through. When there even the doctors were unable to tell us what was wrong because even they didn't know. Through all of the panic and pain of watching all of this happen in slow motion, God was ever present even though we were unaware, he was there. Her temp was dropping and her blood sugar was in the low 40s and dropping, thankfully she was awake enough at different periods of time to drink some juice. Flash forward many, many hours she was awake, not her self, but awake with lots of tests to come. Two days later we left to go home with still no answers, the doctors told us to basically cross our fingers that this would never happen again, that it was a fluke.
6 months later almost to the day it happened again... it felt like a joke on us as DH and I had been talking about it the night before while sitting outside. From then the move to what this "episode" was went quickly and we were finally given answers(Post from June), ones that were relatively easy to live with.

This post was not so much one to relive the day, but to be thankful for the ones we have had since with our healthy now 2 1/2 year old little girl.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

- Mother Teresa